Things I've Seen

     Sometimes I wish I could switch departments so I could get in on the stories that are born in the deli- but then who could tell them unobjectively? I can't even describe how ridiculous the things that go down there are. Just the characters you meet at the foods department could make a sitcom.

     Trevor and Dave: the normal ones, by deli standard. They have some work ethic, if you exclude their habit of ordering pizza to the store. They always show up, but why wouldn't they? their reality really is stranger than fiction.
     Matt Cross: creep- grade A. He's managed to ask out 75% of the female associates (I'm making a rough estimate, here)- independant of age.
     Isabelle: a total flake. She rarely shows up, and when she does, she's missed out on enough to both hit on Matt Cross and somehow remain oblivious to the rumors around the deli: Isabelle is a prostitute.
     Art: senile. Rumor has it he's filthy rich and only works at the store to pass time (as old people do).
     Erik: a complete schizophrenic. He's worked in the deli since, presumably, the beginning of time (or at least for the entirety of his 20 years).
     Nana and Alazaar: gone, but forever in our hearts. They were notorious for smoking weed on break and drinking Grey Goose in Sprite bottles behind the counter. Alazaar had a tendency to bring his laptop to work and watch art process videos.
     Ryan: the pussy. His girlfriend broke up with him two months ago and he still cries about it.
     Sebastian: scared shitless. We heard he failed his sexual harassement CBL.
     Jordan: real problems kid. Dave heard once that kids who were born deaf on one side have mental issues on the other.
     Simon: who really knows? We guess he's kind of a prude. "Don't invite Simon."
     Carlos: Papa! I love Carlos. Unsure whether he speaks English.
     Sammie: I heard she's two faced, but I've only ever seen one. I don't want to see the other side.
     Nick from produce: spineless fink.

    I heard they got a letter the other day from a customer complaining that our foods departments are going downhill. Some customers, eh?

I Love You Cat

Dearest Ambrosia Andromeda Tigerpaw,

          You've always been close to me, as close as a feline can be.
          Even though you lick all of your hair off (you're soon sure to be a sphinx); you sound like a man-cat; you lock yourself in my room, pee on my carpet and chew on my things; you seldom use the litter box when nobody's watching; and you attack the other cats, you're still my very favourite cat. I like you even more than Finnigan and Casper.
          It was years ago in Montreal where we found you: a poor, bright-eyed young kitten wandering the streets of Brossard. I took you (helpless and mewling) into the basement and played with you and put you back out at bedtime at which point you destroyed the metal mesh screen to get back inside. Ever since, you've been worriedly close to me. It's almost obsessive, really. I am just a human. I am not made of catnip.
          I'm going away to college in the Fall and I'd like to let you know how honestly disturbed I am at the thought of parting with you. I think you'd have a better life at home. I've seen how well you get along with Casper and I see you've asserted your position as Boss Kitty in the household, even against the rapscallion Finnigan. I hope only that I can slip away whilst your back is turned and you won't ever notice (fairly possible).
         Let it be known that whenever I'll come home from college, it'll always be your smiling face I'll look most forward to. You're probably the best cat I'll ever have.

Lots of love,

Trying out Sculpey

Here's a lion I made with Super Sculpey and Wallack's Student acrylic paints:

Ryan Has An Epiphany

“Ryan... I think you’re insecure.”
Ryan was silent. Slowly, his eyes widened. “Stephen... I just had an epiphany!”
Ryan finally realized the reason Alex broke up with him.
“Stephen, you are so smart,” said Ryan, “You should be a psychiatrist. That’s why Alex broke up with me, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, that’s probably it,” said Stephen.