Things I've Seen

     Sometimes I wish I could switch departments so I could get in on the stories that are born in the deli- but then who could tell them unobjectively? I can't even describe how ridiculous the things that go down there are. Just the characters you meet at the foods department could make a sitcom.

     Trevor and Dave: the normal ones, by deli standard. They have some work ethic, if you exclude their habit of ordering pizza to the store. They always show up, but why wouldn't they? their reality really is stranger than fiction.
     Matt Cross: creep- grade A. He's managed to ask out 75% of the female associates (I'm making a rough estimate, here)- independant of age.
     Isabelle: a total flake. She rarely shows up, and when she does, she's missed out on enough to both hit on Matt Cross and somehow remain oblivious to the rumors around the deli: Isabelle is a prostitute.
     Art: senile. Rumor has it he's filthy rich and only works at the store to pass time (as old people do).
     Erik: a complete schizophrenic. He's worked in the deli since, presumably, the beginning of time (or at least for the entirety of his 20 years).
     Nana and Alazaar: gone, but forever in our hearts. They were notorious for smoking weed on break and drinking Grey Goose in Sprite bottles behind the counter. Alazaar had a tendency to bring his laptop to work and watch art process videos.
     Ryan: the pussy. His girlfriend broke up with him two months ago and he still cries about it.
     Sebastian: scared shitless. We heard he failed his sexual harassement CBL.
     Jordan: real problems kid. Dave heard once that kids who were born deaf on one side have mental issues on the other.
     Simon: who really knows? We guess he's kind of a prude. "Don't invite Simon."
     Carlos: Papa! I love Carlos. Unsure whether he speaks English.
     Sammie: I heard she's two faced, but I've only ever seen one. I don't want to see the other side.
     Nick from produce: spineless fink.

    I heard they got a letter the other day from a customer complaining that our foods departments are going downhill. Some customers, eh?